Random Tables

Insults for Vicious Mockery
Roll 1d100 strikethrough once used.

01 What smells worse than a goblin? Oh yeah, you!

02 Your mother takes up more tiles than a gelatinous cube!

03 You're going to make an excellent belt!

04 I'm glad you're tall...It means there's more of you I can despise!

05 I don't know whether to use charm person or hold monster!

06 You're the reason baby gnomes cry!

07 Ugh. What the he'll is that all over your face? Oh...its just your face!

08 You are the feces that is created when shame eats too much stupidly!

09 You're like a dragon, only shit!

10 I've seen more threatening geckos!

11 I swear, if you were any worse at this, you'd be doing our job for us!

12 On a scale of 1 - 10, you're proper screwed!

13 Your mother was a kobold and your father smelled of elderberry!

14 You would bore the legs off a village idiot!

15 It gives me a headache just trying to think down to your level!

16 You're not a complete idiot...Some parts are obviously missing!

17 You're like a trained ape, only, without the training!

18 Hey, have you ever been mistaken for a (insert)

19 Well, my time of not taking you seriously is coming to a middle!

20 Your mother's so ugly, folk turn to stone just incase they might happen to catch a glimpse of her face!

21 Some day you'll meet a doppelganger of yourself and be disappointed!

22 Are you always stupid, or are you making a special effort today!

23 Some day you'll go far and I hope you stay there!

24 You're lucky to be born beautiful, unlike me, who was born to be a big liar!

25 I'd like to leave you with one thought...but I'm not sure you have anywhere to put it!

26 So, you're a half (insert), was your mother a spider or is your ass naturally that huge!

27 Your momma's so ugly, clerics try to turn her!

28 Your magic is as bad as your breath!

29 Oh look, both your weapons are tiny!

30 A wet cat is tougher than you!

31 If ignorance is bliss, you must be the happiest person alive!

32 Are you a half orc crossed with a pig? Oh yeah, there are some things a pig wouldn't do!

33 Wow, that's a fat ass. I guess those behind you are gaining cover for this fight!

34 Your Breath would put an otyugh off it's breakfast!

35 I could say you're as ugly as an ogre, but that would be an insult to ogres!

36 I would contact your mother about your death, but I don't speak goblin!

37 Your very existence is an insult to all!

38 You look like the armpit of an unshaven bog hag!

39 You are maggot pie served from a dwarf's codpiece!

40 A goblin with one hand nailed to a tree would be more of a threat than you!

41 You look like a scab on a troll's wart!

42 No loot is worth having to look at you!

43 You are the worst example of your class that I've ever come across!

44 OMG. Why don't you give me your weapon so I can hit myself with it, because that'd be more effective than you trying it!

45 I can tell your reservoir of courage is fed by the tributary running down your leg!

46 I'd insult your parents, but you probably don't know who they are!

47 Well...I have met sharper loaves of bread!

48 Even evard's black tentacles wouldn't touch something as gross as you!

49 Would you like me to remove that curse? Oh my mistake, you were just born that way!

50 There is no beholder's eye in which you are beautiful!

51 Animal friendship was the only way your parents could get puppies to play with you!

52 Your ugly face makes a good argument against raising the dead!

53 When your god put teeth in your mouth, he ruined a perfectly good asshole!

54 Whomever is willing to have sex with you, is just too lazy to jerk off!

55 If your brain exploded, it wouldn't even mess up your hair!

56 Somewhere, Your depriving a village of it's idiot!

57 I'd like to see things from your point of view, but I can't get my head that far up my arse!

58 Could you go get your husband, I don't like fighting ugly women!

59 You call that an attack, I've seen dead kittens hit harder than that!

60 I heard what happened to your mother, it's not everyday your reflection kills you!

61 You look like your mother, and, your mother looks like your father!

62 You're so stupid, if an illithid tried to eat your brain, it would starve to death!

63 What's that smell? I thought breath weapons were suppose to come out of your mouth!

64 I would try to insult your father, but you were probably mistaken for a half orc, and disowned!

65 Did your mother cast a darkness spell to feed you!

66 No wonder you're hiding behind cover, I'd hide too with a face like that!

67 Do you have a pen? Well you'd better get back to it before the farmer knows you are missing!

68 Quick grab some fire...no wait, it's ok, it's not an actual troll!

69 If I were you, I'd go and get my money back for that remove curse spell!

70 OMG. And I thought troglodytes smelt bad!

71 We're you once hit by a melf's acid arrow or have you always looked like a half eaten marrow!

72 Phew! Have you just cast stinking cloud or do you always smell like that!

73 Very impressive, I think I'll hire you out for children's parties!

74 Hey, you pox ridden dung heap, I bet not even a starving vampire would go near you!

75 By looking at you, now I know what you get when you scrape out the bottom of the barrel!

76 I was going to cast detect thoughts, but I don't think I'm going to find anything up there!

77 I wish I still had that blindness spell, then I wouldn't have to endure that face anymore!

78 I was thinking of casting feeblemind, but I doubt it would work on you!

79 Tell me, did you run away from your parents, or did they run away from you!

80 What's the difference between a troll and your mother? One's a stinking ugly monster, and the other is a troll!

81 I was wondering what you are, you're fat enough to be an ogre, but I've never seen an ogre THAT ugly before!

82 Your mother was so stupid, zombies made her a dunce hat!

83 You're like a gnome on stilts, real cute, but it's not working!

84 They say every rose has its thorn, ain't that right, buttercup!

85 I'd say you were a worthy opponent, but I once fought a flumph wielding a dandelion!

86 If this fight gets any harder, I'll have to switch it up to folk music!

87 I'd draw my rapier, but I wouldn't want to make you jealous!

88 Do you know what happens to a (insert) when it fails it's save? Neither do I, but based on what happened to your comrade, my money's on 'dies horribly'!

89 How does it feel that you're not worthy of anyone casting a decent spell on you!

90 One day I'm going to make a ballad of this fight. Tell me your name, I hope it rhymes with horribly slaughtered!

91 Your mother is so fat that making a joke here would detract from the seriousness of her condition!

92 Didn't there used to be like twice as many of you guys? What's up with that, huh!

93 Stop me if you've heard this one. The sole purpose of your existence is to serve as a speedbump on others path to greatness - okay you definitely should of stopped me by now!

94 What's the difference between a dragon and a mallard with a cold? One's a sick duck and I forget the punchline, but your mother's a whore!

95 Wait, wait, I just need to ask, what do you need us to put on your headstone!

96 I've heard of schoolgirls with better fighting skills than you!

97 By the gods your ugly, I bet your father regrets not pulling out when he had the chance!

98 You do know the pointy end is suppose to go in the other guy, right!

99 Do you know, that if you were at a party surrounded by female zombies, the only thing you'd pull is a hamstring!

100 Wait, so you're the manifestation of a divine being of supreme power and malevolence, and you chose that face? Do they even have mirrors on your plane of existence!

Books in a library
Roll 1d100 strikethrough once used.
 * 1) Famous quotes of King Regenald VI
 * 2) Amathar’s Chronicles of the Tetrad Heresy
 * 3) The Art of the Eladrin
 * 4) The Autobiography of Sir Keveron Truelance
 * 5) The Day of Fire, a Play in Five Parts
 * 6) Distaff and Shepherd’s Crook: the Importance of Textiles
 * 7) A History of the War-Priests of Bzondricanth
 * 8) Last Words of the Condemned: A Collection of Confessions
 * 9) The Medicinal Benefits of Bloodletting
 * 10) Phaedra’s Collected Fables and Nursery Rhymes
 * 11) A Discourse on Friendship
 * 12) Shezifar’s Tome of Unfulfilled Prophecies
 * 13) Essays on the Nature of Love by Lady Taralyn Sorinir
 * 14) Reading Common Signs and Omens
 * 15) Truth, Beauty and the Knightly Ideal
 * 16) Weights and Measures
 * 17) A Herald’s Guide to Pennants and Crests
 * 18) The Tears of the Saints
 * 19) Common Causes for Border Wars
 * 20) Fasting and Spiritual Growth
 * 21) The Wildlife of the Moors
 * 22) Day of the Primordials, a Tale
 * 23) Essentials for the Equestrian
 * 24) A Nation at War
 * 25) Bear’s Hollow: a Sketchbook
 * 26) Construction of a Keep
 * 27) Designing and Planting a Hedge Maze
 * 28) An Overview of Dwarven Epic Poetry
 * 29) Battle Hymns of the Celestial Tower
 * 30) The Traveling Bestiary of Farlad the Blue
 * 31) Principles of Finance
 * 32) The Sad Tale of Sargon Rex
 * 33) Encyclopedia of Common Plants
 * 34) A Guide to Giantish Runes
 * 35) Exploring the World of Shadow Puppetry
 * 36) A Culinary History of the Barony of Jarik
 * 37) Uses for the Leech in Contemporary Medicine
 * 38) A Common-to-Dwarven Dictionary
 * 39) The Tale of the Carpenter and the Dragon
 * 40) Torture and Morality
 * 41) The Care and Feeding of a Prize Falcon
 * 42) Symptoms and Treatments for Conjuritis
 * 43) Whispering Leaves: a Translated Anthology of Elven Poetry
 * 44) Castle Sanitation
 * 45) The Brewing Storm: Signs Every Tax Collector Should Know
 * 46) The Meaning of Fealty
 * 47) Haunted Sites of the Realm
 * 48) Negotiating with Trade Guilds
 * 49) The Life of Saint Ryla
 * 50) Collected Tavern Songs
 * 51) The Mosaics of the Monastery of the Crystal Cataract
 * 52) Proper Administration of a Royal Granary
 * 53) Legal Codes of the Realm
 * 54) Common Phrases in Abyssal
 * 55) The Burning Candle: a Romance
 * 56) Basics of Winter Food Preservation
 * 57) What is Evil? Collected Essays
 * 58) Seeking the Philosopher’s Stone
 * 59) Burial Customs of Ancient Peoples
 * 60) Court Mannerisms and Etiquette
 * 61) Cultivating Common Pipeweeds
 * 62) The Fashions of the Court of Baron Uther XI
 * 63) The Indispensable Vizier
 * 64) The Ice Saga of Eonyl the Snow-Reaver
 * 65) Heraldry of the Realm
 * 66) An Introduction to Ale-Brewing
 * 67) Barbarian Tribes of the North
 * 68) The Mystery of the Dolmen of Ap Drych
 * 69) Deployment of Spearmen on the Battlefield
 * 70) The Chandler’s Craft
 * 71) Sehanine’s Dream
 * 72) Basics of Financial Recording
 * 73) Lady Thanara and the Dragon
 * 74) Principles of Governing and Lordship
 * 75) Great Sculptors of History
 * 76) Military Decorations of the Realm
 * 77) The Sins of the Kingpriest: a Play in Three Parts
 * 78) A History of the Inquisition of the Fourth Age
 * 79) An Illustrated Guide to Gems and Jewels
 * 80) The Administration of Low Justice
 * 81) On the march: a Captain’s Manual
 * 82) Pirates of the Azure Sea
 * 83) Matters of the Hart: a Guide to Hunting
 * 84) Tales of Valor
 * 85) Tenets of Statesmanship
 * 86) Interpreting Goblin Pictoglyphs
 * 87) The Dreamsong
 * 88) Eleven Knightly Virtues
 * 89) Mathematics and Astronomy
 * 90) Customs of Established religions
 * 91) Bloodlines of the Lords of Trissel
 * 92) Principles of Astral Navigation
 * 93) The Elven Calendar
 * 94) Wisdom of Our Kings
 * 95) Basics of Husbandry
 * 96) Conventions of Bardic Music
 * 97) Norrin’s Treatise on Medicinal Herbs
 * 98) A History of the Noble House of Zephron
 * 99) The Virtues of Courtly Love
 * 100) The Tale of Etienne and the Foxwoman